These procedures are EXTREMELY difficult, so you must follow the instructions EXACTLY. Not ALMOST exactly, but at least EXTREMELY CLOSE to EXACTLY.
Step 1: Take the coconut bra, the Viking hat, and the pair of Crocs and wear them, according to how they are supposed to be worn. Strut with style into a shrub.
Step 2: Take the 27 deep fried pickles and target the person you are trying to hypnotize from a distance. Do NOT forget you have to be behind a large shrub. Pelt them at the person you’re trying to hypnotize (this technique may work better on bisexuals or homosexuals). She/He will be unconscious for about 12 minutes.
Step 3: Take the vanilla bean scented soap and consume only 1/4 of one bar ONLY. Use the rest of the soap to rub on the victim’s chin and toes.
Step 4: Use the 67 Scandinavian boar teeth to dig a hole to China. Don’t forget you are STILL behind a shrub. Precisely 67 boar teeth will get you to China because they can shield you from the molten material at the center of the Earth. Beware of 7-legged albino flying land sharks.
Step 5: Once you reach China, do NOT forget to keep your 3D glasses ready. In China, you will meet Justin Bieber, and he will fall from heaven and shave his hair off along the way. But beware, there could be 47 ninjas about to attack. If you fail to defend yourself, and you die, you have to chant a sacred medieval chant to revive yourself. Buy a helicopter, fly home and eat lots of pudding- you’ll need the energy.
Step 6: Fly back to where you came from by building an airplane out of Justin Bieber’s shaved hair.
Step 7: Once you find the victim, they will be unconscious. Take the spork and apply it into their hair as a decoration (this will make the hypnosis faster).
Step 8: Glue them to a goat giving birth.
Step 9: He/She will still be unconscious. Quickly plant the pumpkin seed in the goat’s ear. If the pumpkin does not grow out of the goat’s LEFT nostril, you need to restart this entire process.
Step 10: Use the pepper spray to wake up the victim, while they are still waking up, quickly put on the fuchsia thong in under 12.7 seconds.
Step 11: Take the 95 piranhas and place them in your fuchsia thong, while yelling “Hoom BABA OON Cha CHA!” The piranhas may leave severe scarring.
Step 12: Gift the victim with the 13 burritos and the ceramic spork and run like hell into the Gulf of Mexico.